I never wanted kids. I enjoyed living my life for me with my dogs, horses and cats. I didn't have a desire to have children, or want any with the person I was with for over a decade. And then I got pregnant.
This is my first blog post in just over two years and the following will explain why.
My life in the more recent years has been revolving around my spiritual evolution. Though I have been practicing energy work since I was 14, I started receiving my Reiki levels in 2019 at age 31 and became a Reiki Master in 2020. My gifts were coming to the surface, noticing that I am able to tap into my own and other people's past lives, seeing short videos of moments through time. My business morphed from being a photographer to a healer, also delving into yoga teacher training early 2020. In late 2019, I found what I truly wanted to do, which was bring like minded folks on soul seeking adventures in far off places. Hosting events and retreats, both near and far. I started planning.
And then lockdowns hit in March 2020. Though I never bought the agenda from the very start, I couldn't stop what was happening around me. Events got put on hold, so I started selling crystals and focusing on distance Reiki, as well as attending freedom protests on weekends.
This part of the story could be quite long, but I will save that for another time (maybe). I met an amazing man and shortly after we started our relationship, we were expecting. We joked previously about a baby, but were not serious, as our relationship was new. However, I had a bit of a feeling that he would make a great Father and being with someone new was starting to shift my thinking of having a family of my own.
Carrying on, we were bringing a soul into this world. I quickly noticed that with all the changes going on within me, I was not able to offer Reiki sessions anymore, it was just too much energy and I didn't want to pick things up from other people at this time. As my pregnancy continued, my spiritual practices started to diminish.
"You're having a baby? Oh, you're going to have such an amazing pregnancy, being so spiritual!"
"You are already so intuitive, I am sure that will grow as your baby grows!"
Those were the types of comments I would hear from friends once they learned I was expecting. But little did they know, my spiritual gifts and daily rituals were falling away more by the day.
Yoga was a morning routine that became more difficult as my body changed, therefore I didn't keep up with it. I could have, but I didn't. Since I wasn't offering Reiki on others, I stopped doing it on myself, too. Protection spells I did at night before bed, I became so tired I would forget to do them and fell out of habit. Meditation? Ha, nope. I feel like I took a huge step back into 3D, just keeping myself alive, eating, being.
I was working towards growing and developing my Spirtiual skills and business. Little did I know I would be growing and developing a little soul, instead.
After my daughter came, in the opposite way of which I planned for her to arrive, with a calm water birth in our home, I had an even bigger set back. Nearly 4 days in labour, no sleep, extreme pain due to an old sacral break that never properly healed, my daughter not coming out and resulting in an emergency c section at the hands of doctors I didn't know from a hill of beans, or trust in the slightest. I couldn't even get out of bed myself, feed myself, pick up my daughter on my own. However, I was very lucky to have my partner home with me to help and so grateful for him being with us during the next 6 weeks.
Adjusting to Motherhood of course wasn't easy, either. My daughter just turned a year and I'm still having a difficult time, but I have gotten more used to things in general. From physical health set backs due to the c section, previous dis-ease within myself from before I was pregnant, problems from pregnancy and also hormones being heightened added a lot for me to deal with. Basic human skills have become hard tasks, when I feel they shouldn't be. Feeding myself, doing laundry, feeding my daughter, taking my vitamins, stretching, grounding on the earth, standing in the sunshine, for the most part, that is all I need to do.
But it's still hard.
And with all those draining tasks, where am I going to fit in finishing my yoga teacher training? Getting myself back into shape, reconnecting with my intuitive gifts, offering Reiki sessions again, finding time to meditate?
I truly am grateful and over the moon I have my daughter. I love nothing more than her and she brings me the most joy I have ever experienced. But I still want to get back into myself, though, my old self will never fully return.
We break away from who we once were when we become Mothers. We may forget our ways, stop doing the things we love, take a few steps, or giant leaps backwards and perhaps lose our artistic abilities as well as our minds, hiding away in a cave during the first 3 months, or even first year with our new little one. Just barely keeping it together.
And that's okay. It's not easy, but it's okay.
There were times I would compare myself to other Mothers, a specific semi-famous yogi who had a baby half a year before I did and who continued yoga through her whole pregnancy, had a beautiful water birth with a midwife in Costa Rica, kept working shortly after her son was born, created content with him to inspire others. I didn't do any of that and, well, I felt like I sucked because of it. I had to remind myself that this is my story and it won't be the same as someone else. It is amazing that woman was able to do all that she did and I am so happy for her, but I need to be happy for how my events unfolded, too.
I allowed myself a year to hibernate and just be with my daughter. After the first 6 or so months, I did begin to pick up a bit of work with photography again. As the months went on, I started to push myself to take time to do a bit of yoga, even if it was only a couple minutes, or stopping myself in the kitchen to come into tree, laying on the play mat in child's pose, or standing by the piano attempting to get my balance back in warrior 3. The last couple months I started doing protection and Reiki at night after my daughter falls asleep, lying in bed next to her. It wasn't as powerful as it used to feel when I practiced, but it was a start to bringing back my abilities.
Even now I am realizing, though I may have a little bit more time and energy to put into hosting spiritual events, I am not ready. I have gone through so many changes, got knocked back and tossed around, this is my time to work on myself, not to be guiding others. This is the time that I need to seek help, that I need to go to an event, that I need to get a Reiki treatment. This is my time to work on leveling myself up as my new identity - Mother.
I will teach my daughter, in due time. I do not feel pressured, or rushed to stay on top of fitting spiritual practices into every moment of her growing up, for either of us. Yes, it is a goal, but I will allow it to come as it may.
I may have lost my Spirituality, but I gained Motherhood.
I gained the most precious and beautiful gift I didn't even know I wanted, or needed.
My words in this post are not meant to help other Mothers, but by sharing my story, it may reach other Women who also felt they lost their Spiritual self after getting pregnant and having their baby. This message is to let you know you are not alone in this and it isn't a bad thing that it happened. It came about just as it should. Perhaps we will come back stronger than ever once we have gone through this rite of passage.
And remember, your baby chose you! Out of everyone, they chose you. You were their first choice and only you get the privilege and honour of being their Mother.
In the end, isn't bringing a soul into this world the most spiritual thing a Woman can do?
I believe it is.